I never thought I would be sitting here talking about cancer and how it has been affecting me emotionally in such a way that I often have asked God to remove me from earth. What if my remission will come only in my transition to heaven? I ask myself this question on a daily basis. I guess what people only see is that "I do not look sick" oh but this invisible disease is my worst nightmare and I have learned to wear a mask very very well for the only time anyone sees me is when "I do not look sick" I do not leave the house until I am looking my best. They do not witness the tears late at night, they do not witness the pain whereby I cannot even move where sometimes even my eyes are hurting. I don't share that part of my life because it hurts to even talk about it. They do not see the millions of dollars that I pay in medical expenses. They do not see the fact that I cannot rest because I unfortunately have to keep working I am definitely working to live. The one thing that I have recognized in people is that you have to look your worst in order for them to relate to illness. You have to be hospitalized to a point of being on death's door to be ill.

I thank God today that I do not have to be hospitalized and that 90% of the treatments that I am doing is outpatient. The thing that I hate the most about this process is that friends and family have to endure this madness with me. I am not only fighting for me I am fighting for every cancer patient who was told that they would not make it but they did. You know I have even been told by people who profess their love for God that maybe you became ill because you were being disobedient and that God allowed me to become ill so that I would 'STOP AND LISTEN". Who in their right mind would even stoop so low to even say something so cruel and inhumane? What kind of sick and twisted mind must they have had to even say not even imply something of a sort? I just want to give hope to the hopeless that you must fight to the end against any and every obstacle you face even if you have to get low down and dirty. I will from time to time express my feelings just to chronicle a few things just to have documentation that I WAS HERE!!!!


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